Food Fog

Balancing Act

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Even over three years into my quest to improve my health, I have these moments where I really can’t believe I’m not struggling with being overweight. That’s not to say that I’ve arrived at my ideal level of fitness and vitality. It’s just that I’ve moved so much closer to that point of balance and equilibrium on the ever-evolving continuum of wellness. From around the time I was twelve until well after my thirtieth birthday, there was rarely a day where I didn’t obsess over food in some negative way. Of course, some would say I still obsess over food, but even if that’s true, in the sense that I’m clearer about what I want and don’t want, I generally don’t internalize any negative feelings regarding the way I eat. There’s no longer that feeling of being an addict trapped in a downward spiral of hopelessness. No overindulgence and continued feelings of guilt and despair, with empty promises to myself to “start tomorrow.”

Still, there are days when I feel more positive and motivated than others, but there’s the general feeling that I’ve gotten off of the yo-yo dieting, self-loathing, compulsive eating merry-go-round that monopolized much of my life. I have relatively little fear of ever getting back on that dizzy ride again. But, old habits die hard, and sometimes in a rushed moment of hurriedly eating a meal in between screaming kids or running out the door for one activity or another, those old chaotic, mindless feelings about food trickle in, and I have to stop and remind myself to breathe and focus. Thankfully, the kinds of foods I choose and crave these days differ immeasurably than those of yesteryear, but it is still possible to overeat healthy foods. So, there must be that ever-conscious balance between quality and quantity.

Granted, losing weight and lessening my focus on dieting has peeled away layers and exposed a myriad of other facets of myself on which to continue to evolve. I have all sorts of things on my personal to-do list still remaining to be checked off. My primary focus these days is centered around my children, and all that it takes to care for them. Above all, even when I feel like I’m dropping the ball in certain areas, or just don’t have enough time to fit it all in (especially with regards to homeschooling), I remember that my behavior is their primary model, and simply paying attention to my own feelings and behaviors is likely to benefit them more than anything.

And then there’s that balance thing again… As much as I love my children, and am pretty much absorbed in the role of being a 30-something homeschooling mom, I TRY to reserve that little part of myself to just be... whatever; to revel in the possibilities yet to come. And that is where my journey has led me thus far; to the present moment. I am always trying to use it most efficiently while still valuing the importance of being “present.”

Wellness, Not Just Weight Loss

Tuesday, 08 July 2008

Summer is well underway, and no major changes with my approach to health and wellness have transpired. My weight seems to be gradually returning to my pre-pregnancy weight, with just five or six pounds to go. Considering Zofia will be a year old in August, I’m pretty happy with that, as I never dieted or restricted myself, but simply made consistently good choices and tried to enjoy food and exercise. This is how I plan to proceed from here on out, with minor tweaks and fixes as I go…

Last week was my mom’s birthday, and we took her to one of those Japanese hibachi grill places. I had gotten the menu in advance, to make sure there were some vegetarian options, and to know what things Joe could eat without risk of an allergic reaction. So, I thought I was good. They grill everything on one big grill at your table, so I let the chef know we were vegetarian. Unfortunately, I guess he didn’t understand that meant I didn’t want my vegetables and tofu cooked alongside my mom’s meat in the meat drippings with the same utensils with which he was chopping up the meat. I also said “no egg please,” to which he promptly scrambled it and mixed it into the rice. I guess for a non-vegan, it’s difficult to understand the issue with that, but it was just another dietary hurtle to jump over. Many times, I’ll speak up and profess my need for them to make my food SEPARATELY, but I didn’t want to make a drama over it, as there was also a little bit of a language barrier with the wait staff. So, Darren and I just sat there and nibbled at the appetizer (edamame) we had ordered, and picked at the kid’s meals (noodles and tofu), which was actually quiet sufficient. I think my mom quite enjoyed her meal, and got a lot of leftovers to take home. I actually look at experiences like that as a good thing, because I got to try out the place, and now I know what the food is like, and what I would order if I went there again. I guess the lesson learned is that if you have special dietary needs or desires, speak up and make them expressly understood BEFORE your food is prepared.

I’ve been reading a book called Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. She appeared on Orpah awhile back, and being a fellow vegan, I had felt inspired to check out her book. Her message basically is to live consciously, and that translates into our food choices by knowing how our food got to our plate. The term “conscious eating” always just brought to mind thoughts of chewing really slowly, setting down my fork in between bites and remembering to breath! But, being “conscious” of our food choices and their impact on the environment, as well as, our bodies is a fundamental shift for many people. Even already abstaining from animal products, I still find there’s numerous junctures in my day-to-day life where I’m faced with choices about where my food came from (local vs. organic, etc), whether it’s a sustainable option, if it’s good for my family, as well as, the planet! Sometimes it’s just too much to think about. But, I like Kathy Freston’s approach to wellness, and her focus on not expecting instant perfection, but to look at it as a process with continued “upgrades.” That’s really true, because five years ago, when I was 230+ pounds, trapped in the binge-deprivation cycle of a crazed yo-yo dieter, I couldn’t have imagined I’d even be able to sustain eating the way I do now, much less enjoy it! But it was little steps over a long period of time that led me to where I am, and if I had tried to go from there to here in six months, I most certainly would have failed.

Kathy Freston’s “Eight Pillars of Wellness” include meditation, visualization, fun activities, conscious eating, exercise, self-work, spiritual practice and service. These are all things that I would have agreed needed attention in order to live well, but focusing in on these areas has helped me prioritize a little better. Again, she stresses not having to be perfect, and this hits home with me, coming from the “all or nothing” mentality I often had in my life… For example, I really find the practice of visualization to be useful, but have never delved into mediation much, as I felt like I never had time to learn. But, as she points out, just sitting still five minutes a day, and practicing clearing away all the mental clutter, is meditation. Though it’s nice to have time to read books, watch programs or take workshops on meditation, it’s not necessary to wait until that opportunity presents itself (if it ever does) to being one’s own practice of meditation.

So, as the heat of summer peaks, so does my enthusiasm to continue this journey of wellness and exploration. Right now I’m working on finding time in everyday to feel creative and inspired about my health, and to just keep focused on the potential of every moment!

Springtime Reflections

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Once again, time has gotten away from me and we're well into Sprintime now. This week, Zofia will be nine months old! I’m still about ten pounds up from my pre-pregnancy weight, but as long as I continue a downward trend on the scale and a healthful approach to eating, I’m okay if it takes another year to be where I want to be. And I’m not even sure I know where that is yet. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m really looking at my health and wellness as a creative process, rather than a “plan” to adhere to or a specific number goal. I really measure my success these days by how I feel about myself at the end of the day, and there is a whole array of criteria by which to assess that. And, thankfully, most days, I’d give myself at least a B+. I have to leave some room for improvement!

On the exercise front, I’m continuing to feel a bit frustrated with my apparent inability to diversify this. Walking thirty minutes a day often seems like a frivolous self-indulgence. Nonetheless, I know that a fit mommy is more likely to be a happy, giving mommy, so I prioritize this time for myself. Still, I just haven’t been able to move beyond that. Even the exercise video I mentioned in my last entry, as simple as it is, has fallen by the wayside. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t even sat down all day by 10pm, and the thought of 20 minutes more to do additional exercise, on top of walking for 30 minutes, is just overwhelming. So, rather than beat myself up about that, I just accept that I’ll do what I can now, and try to find new ways to vary the routine. I’ve often done things like put on a four minute rock song, and dance around with my kids until I’m out of breath, or timed myself for five minutes and run up and down our two flights of stairs from the upstairs to the basement. Every little bit counts.

And as for the dietary element of wellness, it continues to be a creative process, as well. With the passage time, I seem to discover more about what make me feel good, and what doesn’t. I enjoy finding new, healthy options for our family and trying to involve my kids in the process of making good nutritional decisions for themselves. This month my challenge to myself has been to find an alternative “spread” to soynut butter for my son, Joe. He has severe food allergies, and is allergic to all nuts and most seeds, with the exception of sesame and pumpkin. Pumpkin seed “butter” had not gone over well in the past, so this week I tried a variation; I put a cup of organic pumpkin seeds and a teaspoon of salt in the food processor and ground them up nice and fine. Then I added a cup of organic raisins and continued to blend it. When that got to be a big sticky blob, I added about four tablespoons of unrefined coconut oil, and four tablespoons of canola oil. Kept mixing… Sprinkled in some pumpkin pie spice… Drizzled in two tablespoons of organic molasses, then about three tablespoons of lime juice, and a couple squirts of agave nectar, until a “spreadable” consistency was achieved. The color is certainly does not mimic that of peanut butter, but it does make a tasty treat. I feel better about serving that to Joe regularly than soynut butter, which I consider to be kind of a processed junk food, but just have not found a suitable alternative for those “on the go” days, when we need a quick lunch. So, a small success!

I also made some really good veggie burgers this month. A photo of these can be seen on our Flickr Vegan Food set. I sometimes feel like a little bit of a food geek, but I love compiling our photos on Flickr. Someday, it will be interesting to look back and see what it was we were eating. It’s all part of the creative process!

Marching On...

Friday, 28 March 2008

Though I don’t quite wear the badge of “middle age” yet, I turned 35 this month, and with that came some reflection on the passage of time and, of course, making the most of all the time I have. Again, the theme of balance reveals itself with relation to my health and lifestyle. While I continue to work towards losing weight (about 10 to 15 pounds would be nice), my focus these days is less on the scale and more on my emotional well-being. Maintaining a healthy weight and feeling good is, most obviously, a foundation for my emotional health. But, I’m finding there to be immeasurably more layers to life than I once anticipated, and the state of my physical body is but a platform from which to launch into the deep space of the rest of me. So, at the risk of sounding way too philosophical, I’m finding that over three years into this process of “weight loss,” that weight is merely one of those layers (of fog) to clear away on the road to overall wellness.

This month, to try and simplify my life, I started getting weekly delivery of produce from a company in Pennsylvania, called Door to Door Organics. I figure with the cost of gas and the stress of going grocery shopping with my kids, it evens out the cost. However, it does require a little more creativity with cooking, so as not to waste expensive organic produce. This week I got spinach, kale, lettuce, mushrooms, eggplant, tomatoes, apples, pears, oranges and bananas. I cooked up the spinach and mushrooms for dinner, and am pondering an eggplant dish for tomorrow.

We’re trying to be more simple and frugal these days, despite the cost of produce. We’ve started making our own soymilk with a soymilk maker my mom bought me back in 2001 at Wild Oats in West Hartford, Connecticut. I remember when I got it, I thought it was such a great cost-saving idea. I recall trying it once or twice, and then it’s been in a container in our garage for the past few years, at least. We dusted it off and gave it a go this past week. To my surprise, it yields very palatable soymilk at a fraction of the cost of the individual boxes. I hope we continue our enthusiasm for homemade soymilk, because I ordered a 25 pounds bag through our natural foods buying club this month. Of course, it was only $20, so we can experiment a bit. There is such controversy over the whole soy issue, but my feeling is still that any whole food consumed in as close to its natural state as possible is the way to go. Even whole foods can be over-consumed and be harmful, so it’s about quality and quantity. We avoid all the processed soy products, like soy lecithin and soy protein isolates, but I feel a block of tofu per week and a few glasses of soymilk in coffee, cereal or smoothies are a reasonable staple in a healthy diet. I also alternate with almond and rice milk in recipes, although Joe is allergic to nuts, so we have to exclude him from nut milks. We also eat an array of other types of beans, along with tons of organic veggies and fruit. So, to me the soy issue is really a non-issue. The constructs of our society and world have created entirely new systems for feeding ourselves, and I don’t think the impact of those systems will really be evident for a few more generations. Will we adapt or will it slowly degenerate our species? Hmm… something to ponder.

Whoa! Did I get off on a tangent, or what? Well, I guess not. My whole blog is one big tangent, much like my thought process. Anyway… this month has been really busy. Darren’s friend, Alex, from Italy, visited for two weeks and then Darren’s brother and family stopped in for the weekend over my birthday. Darren’s just adjusting to the work-at-home schedule, and I’m just trying to keep up with all the kids’ activities and needs, while trying to not neglect myself. There’s that whole balance thing again… what a challenge!

I got a Borders gift card for my birthday, and rather than spend it on five or six soy lattes, I thought I’d buy an exercise video. I got the “You: Staying Young Workout” DVD. It has two 20 minute workouts that don’t require any equipment, and then a twenty minute Qigong workout. I like the authors of the books, so I figured I’d check out the workout. It seems pretty doable, though I’ve yet to ditch the treadmill for any more exotic activity. It’s so easy to set the incline and speed, watch TV and zone out. Nonetheless, it’s on my to-do list to diversify my workout a bit.

So, the process continues…

Crazy Busy

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

I'm coming up for a breath just long enough to write this... then back to my long to-do list! Another Monday is here, and once again, 150 is my number. I'll own that for awhile. It's okay. But, man... I really wish I had the stamina to be doing more exercise and get a little more focused with the food. For a homeschooling family, I feel like we're never HOME! This morning we got up at 7am to go up to Chambersburg to see the play, "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus." It was fun, but by the time we got home, it was 3:30 in the afternoon, the kitchen was a mess, laundry everywhere, dinner to be made, and then Darren and Flo had to run out to Flo's first track class at the community college. Therefore, I was left amidst an even bigger mess in the kitchen, pondering when I'm going to get time to do my 30 minutes of walking for the day. It looks like I'll have to wait until Darren gets back, because the baby is asleep in my lap as I type this. I don't mind walking at 9pm, but I have to get up early tomorrow for another round of the homeschool-a-thon, and I want to try to squeeze in at least seven hours of sleep so I feel somewhat alert during our activities.

Phew.

So, our tax refund came in, and I said when it did, I would seriously consider taking an online holistic nutrition course with the Global College of Natural Medicine. However, the more I’ve pondered it, I’ve come to realize that attempting any coursework right now is likely to feel like just another task on my to-do list. And, frankly, as much as I find real value in many online educational opportunities, I think if I’m going to spend any money on further education, I’d rather have a real in-person experience. So, I’ll hold off for awhile, until Zofia is older, and see what inspires me then. For now, I’ll just continue to look at my own approach to health as a creative endeavor, and enjoy that process as much as possible.

Zofia is six months old today. It’s hard to believe it’s gone by that fast. I’m starting to feel that impatience to get in shape and get the last of the baby weight off. But, on the other hand, the next month is really busy with a ton of activities, a guest coming from Italy, then Darren’s brother’s family visiting. So, I’m inclined to keep on doing what I’m doing until that is all over. My 35th birthday is next month, and that seems like a good time to renew my commitment to myself and my health and try to step it up a notch. It’s a good plan, anyway. We’ll see how it goes.

Diversity

Monday, 11 February 2008

So, I wake up this morning and rush around getting things done, so I can make it to my annual feminine “wellness” check-up on-time. It’s been on the calendar for a month now, and I was looking forward to just getting it over with. Since Darren is working at home, I left Joe with him and took Flo and the baby with me, since Flo had piano lessons right afterwards. We were running late, as usual, but I drove safely and got us there just on-time. I sign in, sit down, and then the receptionist informs me that she doesn’t have me down for an appointment today! It’s March 11, not February 11. Well, I know this is their error, because we have a guest visiting for two weeks during that time, and I wouldn’t have made an appointment then. And, of course, there are no cancellations and they can’t squeeze me in. So, off I go to take Flo to her piano lesson with the song “Did I Shave My Legs for This” playing in my head. I visited briefly with a friend of mine and her new baby during Flo’s piano lesson, then back in the car to get home in time for Darren to take Flo and Joe to their ice skating lesson tonight.

It is days like this when I feel like food is just an afterthought, and my diet consists of a stream of snacks; albeit healthier choices most of the time, I still feel bloated and kind of icky from eating while rushing around and picking at whatever I make the kids. Today’s rundown looks like this:

Morning before my non-existent appointment:
Water
Handful of raw almonds

In the car on the way to doctor's appointment:
Cup of coffee w/ soymilk
Little Ziploc baggie with a few handfuls of raisins, raw cashes, walnuts and dried mango
1 apple
1 banana

While visiting my friend during piano lessons:
2 little baggies of freeze-dried Asian pears (45 cal)

While waiting in the car for Flo to finish her lesson:
6 corn-thins rice cakes w/ dip I made (1 cup soy vanilla yogurt mixed with 2 tbsp sunflower seed butter… chilled)
1 apple
Half a bag of organic popcorn
Cup of coffee with soymilk

Around “dinner time” when I rush in the door twenty minutes before the kids have to leave for their skating lesson:
Bowl of salad (mixed greens, red onion, dash of olive oil & vinegar, salt & pepper)
Vegetarian jerky stick thing (seitan – 100 cal)
Smoothie - split with Darren (1 orange, 1 cup frozen berries, dash of lime juice, 1 tbsp maple syrup, 1 cup rice milk, 2 baby carrots)
3 slices of Tofurkey while making sandwiches for Darren and kids
Another cup of coffee w/ low sugar soymilk

An hour later or so…
Handful of walnuts and raisins

6pm… brushed my teeth and called it a day

And this seems to be a pretty typical day these days, except the majority of mornings, I have a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and walnuts. So, I guess my focus would be getting some alternative protein sources besides nuts. I tend to prepare beans a lot for the kids, but recently have been forgetting to throw them on my salad. Also, I need to cut down on the soymilk consumption. I know it adds a lot of extra calories and sugar. I want to cook more and add more diversity to our diet, but we tend to be rushing around most of the time and eat the same two or three meals; beans and rice, stir-fry with brown rice, tofu and veggies, and whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce and/or veggies… plus lots of salad… It’s always on my to-do list to get more organized about meal planning, but most days I feel like I’m lucky if I get half of what I hoped to accomplish done. So, I guess I’ll keep aspiring to experiment more with some different veggies and grains, and see what the next couple of months bring…

Momentum

Saturday, 12 January 2008

So, I guess I’m struggling a bit. Not with the completely disordered thinking about food I once wrestled with every day, but more with a stagnancy, or inability to get the ball rolling again. If funds were not an option, I would hire a personal trainer, go to therapy or find a life coach, or some new-age counselor to help me be accountable to myself and provide a bit of inspiration. However, spending money on such luxuries right now is not an option, so I have to draw on my creativity and be my own dietary muse.

It is so easy to get in a rut. I pretty much do the same things every day, with regards to what I eat and how much I exercise. Why can’t I step-it up a notch and see some real results? Oh, I know why… because it’s uncomfortable to change! I did it once three years ago. I white-knuckled it for the first few months, through total sugar withdrawal, the reintroduction of portion control and regular exercise. Then it became routine; something I almost felt compelled to do. Because I had so much weight to lose, it came off predictably with these simple behavior modifications.

But here I am now, at 150 pounds or so; a good 90 pounds lighter than my highest weight of 245, and ten to twelve pounds heavier then my pre-pregnancy weight. My diet is mostly organic, vegan and full of whole healthy foods. I walk everyday without fail. So, what’s the problem here? I guess I have to once again face the initial discomfort of portion control. This time around, it shouldn’t be so painful. I’m not eating gallons of ice cream or whole boxes of cereal in one sitting, like the binging days of yesteryear. But, I’m also eating until I’m comfortable and possibly indulging a bit too frequently with organic dark chocolate and soy lattes. So, I know I need a plan that helps me reign in the portions a bit, cut a little fat, and maybe add a session or two per week of strength-training. Great. Knowing what to do is so much easier than actually doing it!

I’ve been watching the fitness challenges on the Discovery Health Channel this week, and it’s confirmation of what a little effort over time can accomplish. There was a time when I would make one dietary “mistake” and just throw in the towel. Now, three years into a healthier lifestyle, I look at every meal and exercise opportunity as a stepping stone to where I want to be, not the cornerstone of my total health. I have a more creative and positive outlook about devising a plan that works for me. I also understand that no plan is infallible. I always need to be willing to make adjustments and be tough with myself, but not too critical or judgmental.

Basically, this is just my pep talk to myself, trying to rev up the enthusiasm to keep moving forward. Yet, I have to say, having an almost five month old baby is quite an obstacle to pushing beyond my current fitness level at the moment. Well, I guess it’s not just the baby; it’s having three kids and being so busy. Never in my life have I ever felt time rushing by this quickly. Sometimes, when the day is over, I feel like I just don’t want to go to sleep, just so I can accomplish more. But, that little thing called sleep deprivation can really make a person crabby, and can definitely throw a wrench into the fit lifestyle plan. It’s impossible to feel optimistic and motivated when you’re chronically tired. I just don’t know how to get more sleep. Like, right now, I’m enjoying sitting here writing. It’s basically the only time today I’ve had to myself, where nobody is demanding anything from me. I don’t want to waste this precious quiet time sleeping! But, alas, my body tells me sleep is not a wasteful venture, and I should probably heed its warning.

This must be one of the tidbits of wisdom that come with middle age. I’m fast approaching my 35th birthday, and I guess that’s making me reflect on things a bit more. One of my most powerful revelations of the past couple years has been that being healthy isn’t a number on the scale. I’m sure that’s cliché, but no matter how much I may have heard that in the past, I didn’t process it. I was so fat, that losing weight had to equal good health. I suppose to a degree, that’s true. But, it wasn’t until I had my son, Joseph, who had health issues his whole first year, that I understood the gravity of what sleep deprivation can do to your health and mental well-being. It took a couple more years for things to start clicking. My daughter was then five, and I was really becoming cognizant of her own awareness of my eating habits. I was much like one of those parents that smoke, but never smoke around their kids. Except for me it was the way I ate, rather than smoking. I generally chose healthy options around my kids, and never had junk food in the house. If you had come to raid my pantry, you never would have guessed the horrendous things I consumed. Yet, I was constantly aware of the hypocrisy of my behavior. How could I preach healthy habits, when my body told the truth about my own?

So, now as I enter my third year of dietary sobriety, I’m not as focused on the scale. Of course, it’s still a motivator and I do have a goal weight. However, there’s no immediacy or sense of panic to get to it. I want to arrive after a pleasant and meditative journey, rather than a hurried and tedious race. I really embrace the holistic approach to health, and I’m trying to look at the big picture and make adjustments where they’re needed. I think there will be a trickledown effect on my weight. Sleep, meditation, stretching, building strength, whole natural foods, good relationships, creative outlets, connecting with nature… all these things are elements of what I need to stay connected; connected to that part of me that was dulled for so many years by overeating. Even now, that part is just starting to emerge, and it’s exciting to think of the possibilities.

My head still feels too cluttered and foggy from just being a busy, tired mom, to really focus on any particular goal. So, like I said, as we roll into the New Year, I’m looking at my whole approach to wellness as a creative venture and something I can continually add to. I hope to adjust our schedule a bit in the upcoming months, to allow for a little less running around and a little more contemplative time at home. Hopefully, this will provide some much needed rest and time to think, as well as, redirect myself. January is such a definitive time for the onset of change; a new year, a new outlook. January 2005 will always be the line in the sand for me… the bleep on my timeline when I finally took responsibility for my own health. Therefore, I’m excited about 2008 and continuing the process of clearing the food fog!

Decaf Dilemma

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Is it possible to be addicted to decaf coffee? I've progressed from a cup or two per day to most of a pot. Granted, I hardly ever put sugar in it, and I use just a little soymilk, rather than going for the full latte effect, but, I'm wondering what the impact of four to five cups of decaf coffee per day is going to be on my digestive system? Darren and I are into coffee. I got the organic, swiss-water method decaf. At least I'm not ingesting a bunch of pesticide and chemicals, right?

Today is Joe's fifth birthday! That fact alone is hard for me to digest. It has gone by so quickly. All the stress of him being ill in his first year of life seems so far away, and I marvel at the healthy, energetic boy I have now. Of course, having Zofia brings back a lot of those baby memories with Flo and Joe, too. It's a special time, and I'm trying to savor that amongst all the stress of our daily lives.

Because I actually pay attention to my body these days, I've noticed my hunger patterns shifting since I had Zofia. I tend to be really hungry a couple hours after I get up in the morning, and a again around 3 to 4pm in the afternoon. So, I try to make sure I have lots of fruit and veggies on hand during those times when I'm too busy to make a meal, and I try to sit down for at least ten minutes per day to enjoy my food and not grab-n-go. But, the grab-n-go method is sometimes all I can squeeze in. I find myself, a little too often, sitting in the car during one of the kid's activities in the late afternoon, munching on snacks, which I then call my dinner. I eat fairly healthy; carrots or cucumbers and hummus, apples, pears, soy crisps, organic popcorn, a piece or two of organic chocolate, etc.

Nonetheless, when you're eating those same things in the car too frequently, it still feels like fast food, and I crave a more peaceful routine. Of course, I've accepted that I have to make do with what I can right now, since that is the side-effect of having three kids and homeschooling. T'is the season to be a caregiver and a teacher... with any luck, there will be equally gratifying seasons in my life, and I'm sure some equally challenging obstacles to wellness.

Fa la la la la...

Monday, 26 November 2007

I can't believe more than a month has passed since my last entry. The main difference I'm noticing with now having THREE kids, is just the complete lack of time to think. Getting a moment alone really is a big challenge. I've continued to walk 30 minutes a day, no matter what, and that really has been important to my sanity. I usually walk outside, after Darren gets home from work and the baby is in a good mood. It's the most relaxing half hour of my day!

With the holiday season descending upon us rapidly, my main focus is just to continue eating well and to navigate the abundance of holiday treats with discretion. With the multitude of social eating opportunities coming up, my goal for the season is just to maintain my weight and relax. The weight seems to be coming off painfully slow, but coming off, nonetheless. I'm much more patient (and practical) in my mid 30's, so this pace is just fine with me.

This month we went to a wonderful outdoor vegan Thanksgiving potluck at Poplar Springs Animal Sanctuary, in Poolesville, Maryland. This is our third year attending, and it was as good as ever. It's so nice to have such a great selection of vegan foods all in one place, even if it is only once a year. Despite the array of choices, I didn't feel I over ate, and left feeling quite well nourished. We also spent a couple hours walking around the farm, visiting with the animals, so it was a nice family outing, including good food, fresh air and exercise. Bravo!

We're fast approaching the New Year, and it makes me reflect a bit on the fact that it's only been three years since I started out weighing 230ish pounds, and nine months of that included a pregnancy. I truly feel like a recovered addict in my approach to food, my actual cravings, and my preferences. Addiction is a life-long state that has to be managed. I guess that's true, though I really don't feel in that addictive mindset anymore. I know it's a facet of who I am and my personality, but I honestly don't feel that I use food in the same way I once did. I liken it to being in an abusive relationship. Once you leave the relationship and get some perspective (and perhaps some counseling), and you feel what it is like to not be abused or even to be in a loving relationship, you can't imagine ever choosing to be in an abusive situation again. So, I think that's what it comes down to; choice. Despite what life throws at me, at every juncture, I'll have to renew my choice to do the best with this body I can, and to leave my abusive relationship with food in the past.

On that note, I'm looking forward to a nice holiday season with friends and family, and my pursuit of balance and well-being with carry into the New Year.

The Price of Progress

Thursday, 18 October 2007

So, I was at the self-checkout at the grocery store, scanning three large golden delicious apples. I was appalled to see the price come up as $3.98! To add injury to insult, beside the cash register was a bin of large candy bars that said "3 for $1." I find this totally depressing. Eating healthy seems to have become increasingly expensive, while the abundance of poor quality, processed foods is ever expanding, for a fraction of the cost. Does this not seem like the potential root for all illness in our culture? Sure, we can get away with eating "on a budget" in our twenties, but as we age, the impact of this thriftiness is likely to do us in. Whatever! It's not like complaining about it does any good. We just have to navigate our way around it.

I'm still stuck here in the grips of baby fat. I'm not feeling too desperate about it, though. Somehow, the prospect of losing fifteen pounds from a place of balance and confidence, seems far less daunting than my original task of losing ninety pounds from a place of fear and desperation. So, forward motion will occur, when I feel the spark to propel myself in that direction.

Right now, aside from taking care of myself, just managing the chaos of parenthood is my foremost priority. Having a third child really isn't that much more challenging, because the first two require so much attention, that taking care of an infant seems like a piece of cake in comparison. So, onward I go with the journey of self-discovery, of which, weight-loss is only a small part.